A Touch of Humor

 

“My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape… that would be a big step forward.”

— Jim Gaffigan

A Touch of Humor

 

“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs.”

— Joe Girard

A Touch of Humor

 

“I’m great at multitasking—I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.”

— Author Unknown

A Touch of Humor

 

“Teamwork is important—it helps to put the blame on someone else.”

— Author Unknown

A Touch of Humor

 

“If hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.”

— Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 

“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”

— Thomas Edison

A Touch of Humor

 

“My girlfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo… so I had to put my foot down.”

— Mitch Hedberg

A Touch of Humor

 

“I wonder what chairs think about all day… ‘Oh no, here comes another asshole.’

— Bill Burr

A Touch of Humor

 

 

                                                              “I used to play piano by ear, now I use my hands.”

— Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 

“You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”

— Bob Hope

A Touch of Humor

 

“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”

— Tina Fey

A Touch of Humor

 

“I don’t have a bank account because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name.”

— Paula Poundstone

A Touch of Humor

 

“I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn’t help me.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch of Humor

 

“You can’t have everything… where would you put it?”

— Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 

“I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.

— Jack Benny

A Touch of Humor

 

“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.”

— Bill Gates

A Touch of Humor

 

“The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.”

— Charles Bukowski

A Touch of Humor

 

“I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.”

— Jim Carrey

A Touch of Humor

 

“I don’t go crazy—I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.”

— Rita Rudner

A Touch of Humor

 

“You’re only as good as your last haircut.”

— Fran Lebowitz

A Touch of Humor

 

“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”

— Stewart Francis

A Touch of Humor

 

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“I’m in shape… round is a shape.”

Jim Gaffigan