A Touch of Humor

 

“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.”

— Will Rogers

A Touch of Wisdom

 

“I don’t go looking for trouble. Trouble usually finds me at home.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch of Humor

 

“I don’t trust people who don’t like dogs, but I trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.”

— Bill Murray

A Touch of Humor

 

“I don’t have a bucket list. I have a ‘to-do before I get too tired’ list.”

— Kathleen Madigan

A Touch of Humor

 

“I don’t need a hair stylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”

— Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 

“Love is temporary. Compatibility is the real miracle.”

— Chris Rock

A Touch of Humor

 

“When you’re single, all you see are happy couples. When you’re married, all you see are happy singles.”

— Unknown

A Touch of Humor

 

“I asked my wife what she wanted for our anniversary. She said, ‘Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace.’ So I got her nothing.”

— Henny Youngman

A Touch of Humor

 

“You don’t realize how much you love someone until you try to pick a movie together.”

— Jim Gaffigan

A Touch of Humor

 

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”

— Jim Carrey

A Touch of Humor

 

“Everyone wants to be famous until they realize fame means having your worst moments on YouTube forever.”

— John Mulaney

A Touch of Humor

 

“I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. She said, ‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time.’ I said, ‘How about the kitchen?’”

— Henny Youngman

A Touch of Humor

 

“I once gave my wife a birthday card that said, ‘You’re the best wife I could ever ask for.’ She gave me one that said, ‘You’re the only husband I’ve got.’”

— Jim Gaffigan

A Touch of Humor

 

“My girlfriend and I broke up over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn’t.”

— Adam Ferrara

A Touch of Humor

 

“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you’ve got to rock it back and forth a few times.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

A Touch of Humor

 

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”

— Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 

“I’m at the age where I still do stupid things… but slower.”

— Dave Chappelle

A Touch of Humor

 

“I don’t get no respect. When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch of Humor

 

“Marriage is a long conversation interrupted by naps.”

— Joan Rivers

A Touch of Humor

 

“Relationships are about compromise. Mostly mine.”

— Bill Burr