A Touch of Humor

 

I was born by Cesarean section, but you can't really tell. Except when I leave the house I go out through the window.

— Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 

“I hate when people say, ‘Age is only a number.’ Age is clearly a word.”

— Brian Kiley

A Touch of Humor

 

“My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 a.m. Luckily for him, I was still up playing my bagpipes.”

— Eric Idle

A Touch of Humor

 

“I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate.”

— Tim Vine

A Touch of Humor

“My friend told me he didn’t understand cloning. I said, ‘That makes two of us.’”

— Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch of Humor

 

“I named my dog ‘Stay.’ Now I yell ‘Come here, Stay!’—he just ignores me.”

— Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 

“I don’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as a member.”

— Groucho Marx

A Touch of Humor

 

“I don’t go crazy—I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.”

— Rita Rudner

A Touch of Humor

 

“I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.”

— Will Rogers

A Touch of Humor

 

“I saw a bank that said ‘24 Hour Banking,’ but I don’t have that much time.”

— Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 

“I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.”

— Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 

“My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape… that would be a big step forward.”

— Jim Gaffigan

A Touch of Humor

 

“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs.”

— Joe Girard

A Touch of Humor

 

“I’m great at multitasking—I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.”

— Author Unknown

A Touch of Humor

 

“Teamwork is important—it helps to put the blame on someone else.”

— Author Unknown

A Touch of Humor

 

“If hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.”

— Steven Wright

A Touch of Humor

 

“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”

— Thomas Edison

A Touch of Humor

 

“My girlfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo… so I had to put my foot down.”

— Mitch Hedberg

A Touch of Humor

 

“I wonder what chairs think about all day… ‘Oh no, here comes another asshole.’

— Bill Burr

A Touch of Humor

 

 

                                                              “I used to play piano by ear, now I use my hands.”

— Steven Wright