A Touch of Humor

 "Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listenin' to her enough, or somethin'. I don't know, I wasn't really payin' attention."

Dumb & Dumber (1994)

A Touch Of Humor

At the beginning of the pandemic it was assumed that in 9-months there would be an historic baby boom. While in fact America has entered a pandemic-inspired baby bust. It turns out, no one is saying, ‘Hey you know what being trapped in this tiny apartment with you puts me in the mood for? A screaming infant.’

Stephen Colbert

A Touch of Humor

 I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting. 

Andy Rooney

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/andy-rooney-quotes

A Touch of Humor

 I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

 Rodney Dangerfield

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/rodney-dangerfield-quotes

A Touch of Humor

 Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. 

George Carlin

Read more at https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/george-carlin-quotes

A Touch of Humor

 But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move."

Jim Gaffigan

A Touch Of Humor

"When people say, 'it's always the last place you look.' Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?"

Billy Connolly

A Touch Of Humor

“Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance. No one in this world, so far as I know—and I have researched the records for years, and employed agents to help me—has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. Nor has anyone ever lost public office thereby.”

― H.L. Mencken, Notes on Democracy (1880 - 1956) (Renowned Journalist, Satirist, Scholar)

A Touch Of Humor

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) (Preeminent Humorist and Renowned Author)  

A Touch Of Humor

I'll make the money by selling one of my livers ... I can get by with one.

Homer Simpson

A Touch of Humor

 ATC: flight 2-0-niner you’re cleared for takeoff. Captain Oveur: Roger! Roger: Eh? ATC: LA departure frequency 1-2-3 point niner. Captain Oveur: Roger! Roger: Huh? Victor: Request vector, over. Captain Oveur: What? ATC: Flight 2-0-niner cleared for vector 3-2-4. Roger: We have clearance, Clarence. Captain Oveur: Roger, Roger, what’s our vector, Victor? ATC: Tower radio clearance, over. Captain Oveur: That’s “Clarence Oveur”, over. ATC: Roger! Roger: Huh? ATC: Roger, over. Roger: Huh?! Captain Oveur: Who?!

Airplane, The Movie

A Touch Of Humor

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor - Ricky Gervais - Painful For Others

“Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It is only painful for others.
The same applies when you are stupid.”

― Ricky Gervais 

A Touch Of Humor

[My wife] She’s a lousy cook too, she can’t cook at all. I leave dental floss in the kitchen, the roaches hang themselves.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

“Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves.”

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

Hi, I’m Troy McClure. You might remember me from such self-help videos as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Confident, Stupid.”

 - Actor Troy McClure

A Touch Of Humor

New Rule: Someone must ask the kid whose science fair project was to smear lipstick on a cat’s butt to see how much of the surfaces in the house come in contact with the cat’s anus. What did you find out? And did you tell mom what you did with her lipstick before you put it back in her purse?

Bill Maher

A Touch of Humor

 One-liners about food

• A lot of people cry when they're cutting onions. The secret is not to form an emotional bond.
• I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
• Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
• A boiled egg is hard to beat.

A Touch of Humor

 One-liners about sports

• I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
• The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
• Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
• When I get a dog, I'm going to name him Five-Miles so I can say I walk five miles every day.

A Touch Of Humor

 One-liners about relationships

• My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
• I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
• My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
• Last night my girlfriend and I watched three movies back-to-back. Luckily, I was the one facing the TV.

A Touch Of Humor

Last night, the first US cruise ship in 15 months set ... sale. It is perfect for anyone who’s been stuck in their house for 15 months and thought, ‘This has been great! I just wish the room was much smaller and slowly rocking.’

 Stephen Colbert 

A Touch Of Humor

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they’ll donate me to Tupperware.

Joan Rivers