A Touch of Humor

 

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."

Erma Bombeck (1927 - 1996) (Humorist and Beloved Chronicler of Family Life)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."

Steven Wright (1955 - ) (Master of Deadpan One-Liners)

A Touch of Humor

 

"The older I get, the better I used to be."

Lee Trevino (1939 - ) (Golf Champion Known for His Wit and Humor)

A Touch of Humor

 

"The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes."

Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) (Author, Humorist, and Lecturer)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."

Jack Benny (1894 - 1974) (Legendary Comedian, Actor, and Radio Pioneer)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with."

Spike Milligan (1918 - 2002) (Comedian, Writer, and Actor)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."

Ann Landers (1918 - 2002) (Advice Columnist and Author)

A Touch of Humor

 

"The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast."

Demetri Martin (1973 - ) (Comedian, Cartoonist, and Writer)

A Touch of Humor

 

"You can fool some of the people all of the time—and those are the ones you should concentrate on."

George Burns (1896 - 1996) (Beloved Comedian and Entertainer)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."

Phyllis Diller (1917 - 2012) (Pioneering Stand-Up Comedian and Actress)

A Touch of Humor

 

"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying."

Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004) (Stand-Up Legend and Master of Self-Deprecating Humor)

A Touch of Humor

 

"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick."

George Burns (1896 - 1996) (Beloved Comedian and Entertainer)

A Touch of Humor

 

"The trouble with having an open mind is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."

Terry Pratchett (1948 - 2015) (Fantasy Author, Satirist, and Humorist)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."

Groucho Marx (1890 - 1977) (Legendary Comedian and Master of the Quick Wit)

A Touch of Humor

 

Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel!

Homer Simpson

A Touch of Humor

 

"Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." 

- Sam Ewing