A Touch of Humor

 

"Oh, I have three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?"

Homer Simpson

A Touch of Humor

 

"Never miss a good chance to shut up."

Will Rogers (1879 - 1935) (Humorist, Actor, and America's Favorite Cowboy Philosopher)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."

Rita Rudner (1953 - ) (Comedian, Actress, and Best-Selling Author)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

George Carlin (1937 - 2008) (Iconic Stand-Up Comedian, Social Critic, and Author)

A Touch of Humor

 

"My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, 'Okay, you're ugly too.'"

Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004) (Stand-Up Legend and Master of Self-Deprecating Humor)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I feel bad for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

Frank Sinatra (1915 - 1998) (Singer, Actor, and Legendary Entertainer)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."

Steven Wright (1955 - ) (Comedian Known for Deadpan One-Liners)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something."

Jackie Mason (1928 - 2021) (Stand-Up Comedian and Comic Storyteller)

A Touch of Humor

 

"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."

Winnie-the-Pooh (1926 - ) (Beloved Literary Character and Accidental Philosopher)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."

Phyllis Diller (1917 - 2012) (Pioneering Stand-Up Comedian and Actress)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."

Rita Rudner (1953 - ) (Comedian, Actress, and Best-Selling Author)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either."

Jack Benny (1894 - 1974) (Radio, Television, and Vaudeville Legend)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I was born by Caesarean section. You can't really tell, although whenever I leave a house, I go out through the window."

Steven Wright (1955 - ) (Comedian and Master of Deadpan Humor)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."

Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004) (Comedian Famous for Self-Deprecating Humor)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."

Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) (Author, Humorist, and Social Commentator)

A Touch of Humor

 

“I look like the result of a science experiment where they tried to cross an Irishman with a string bean.”

—Conan O'Brien

A Touch of Humor

 

“I think the worst thing about being lazy is how much work it takes to avoid work.”

—Jim Gaffigan

A Touch of Humor

 

“If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work.”

—George Carlin

A Touch of Humor

 

“I’m at the age where happy hour is a nap.”

—Unknown

A Touch of Humor

 

“I bought wrinkle cream. The instructions said, ‘For best results, start 20 years ago.’”

—Unknown