A Touch of Humor

 

"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples."

George Burns (1896 - 1996) (Beloved Comedian, Actor, and Master of Aging Humor)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery."

Erma Bombeck (1927 - 1996) (Humorist and Beloved Chronicler of Family Life)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers."

George Carlin (1937 - 2008) (Stand-Up Legend, Author, and Social Satirist)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Eventually you reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it."

Will Rogers (1879 - 1935) (Humorist, Actor, and America's Cowboy Philosopher)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house."

Zsa Zsa Gabor (1917 - 2016) (Actress, Socialite, and Celebrated Wit)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before."

Mae West (1893 - 1980) (Actress, Playwright, Screenwriter, and Legendary Comic Wit)

A Touch of Humor

 

"The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing—and then marry him."

Cher (1946 - ) (Singer, Actress, Entertainer, and Pop-Culture Icon)

A Touch of Humor

 

"My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!"

Henny Youngman (1906 - 1998) (Legendary Comedian and King of the One-Liners)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well."

Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) (Author, Humorist, and Celebrated American Writer)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."

Steven Wright (1955 - ) (Stand-Up Comedian and Master of Deadpan One-Liners)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."

Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004) (Stand-Up Legend and Master of Self-Deprecating Humor)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

Joan Rivers (1933 - 2014) (Groundbreaking Comedian, Actress, and Television Host)

A Touch of Humor

 

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."

Samuel Goldwyn (1879 - 1974) (Film Producer Famous for His Unintentional One-Liners)

A Touch of Humor

 

"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

Steven Wright (1955 - ) (Stand-Up Comedian and Master of Deadpan One-Liners)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes."

Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900) (Playwright, Author, and Master of the Epigram)

A Touch of Humor

 

"An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her."

Agatha Christie (1890 - 1976) (Mystery Novelist and Playwright)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia."

Charles M. Schulz (1922 - 2000) (Cartoonist and Creator of Peanuts)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell."

Opie Read (1852 - 1939) (Journalist, Novelist, and Humorist)

A Touch of Humor

 

"If you can't laugh at yourself, I'd be happy to do it for you."

Groucho Marx (1890 - 1977) (Legendary Comedian, Actor, and Master of the Quick Wit)

A Touch of Humor

 

"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred."

Woody Allen (1935 - ) (Comedian, Writer, Actor, and Filmmaker)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous—everyone hasn't met me yet."

Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004) (Stand-Up Legend and Master of Self-Deprecating Humor)

A Touch of Humor

 

"My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way."

Henny Youngman (1906 - 1998) (Legendary One-Liner Comic and the "King of the One-Liners")