"Some people see things that are and ask, 'Why?' Some people dream of things that never were and ask, 'Why not?' Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."
George Carlin (1937 - 2008) (Stand-Up Legend, Author, and Social Satirist)
"Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories."
John Wilmot (1647 - 1680) (English Poet, Courtier, and Celebrated Wit)
"If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them."
Phil Pastoret (1933 - 2015) (Humorist, Author, and Newspaper Columnist)
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
Erma Bombeck (1927 - 1996) (Humorist and Beloved Chronicler of Family Life)
"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."
Steven Wright (1955 - ) (Master of Deadpan One-Liners)
"The older I get, the better I used to be."
Lee Trevino (1939 - ) (Golf Champion Known for His Wit and Humor)
"The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes."
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) (Author, Humorist, and Lecturer)
