A Touch of Humor

 

"I have everything I had twenty years ago, only it's all a little bit lower."

Gypsy Rose Lee (1911 - 1970) (Entertainer, Actress, Author, and Celebrated Wit)

A Touch of Humor

 

"My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more."

Walter Matthau (1920 - 2000) (Actor, Comedian, and Academy Award Winner)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?"

John Barrymore (1882 - 1942) (Actor, Stage Legend, and Celebrated Wit)

A Touch of Humor

 

"People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."

Isaac Asimov (1920 - 1992) (Author, Scientist, Professor, and Celebrated Wit)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) (Legendary Comedian, Actor, and Entertainer)

A Touch of Humor

 

"You're only young once, but you can be immature forever."

Germaine Greer (1939 - ) (Writer, Academic, and Social Commentator)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing."

Phyllis Diller (1917 - 2012) (Pioneering Stand-Up Comedian and Actress)

A Touch of Humor

 

"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."

Lily Tomlin (1939 - ) (Comedian, Actress, Writer, and Television Icon)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."

Woody Allen (1935 - ) (Filmmaker, Writer, Actor, and Comedian)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children."

Sam Levenson (1911 - 1980) (Humorist, Author, Television Host, and Teacher)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me."

Unknown (Classic Aging One-Liner)

A Touch of Humor

 

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."

Steven Wright (1955 - ) (Stand-Up Comedian and Master of Deadpan One-Liners)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."

Billy Sunday (1862 - 1935) (Evangelist, Former Baseball Player, and Colorful Public Speaker)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair."

George Burns (1896 - 1996) (Beloved Comedian, Actor, and Master of the One-Liner)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."

Tom Waits (1949 - ) (Singer, Songwriter, Actor, and Celebrated Raconteur)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample, it had an olive in it."

Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004) (Stand-Up Legend and Master of Self-Deprecating Humor)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I went window shopping today! I bought four windows."

Tommy Cooper (1921 - 1984) (British Comedian, Magician, and Master of Absurd Humor)

A Touch of Humor

 

"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."

Tim Vine (1967 - ) (British Comedian, Actor, and Master of the One-Liner)

A Touch of Humor

 

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."

Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004) (Stand-Up Legend and Master of Self-Deprecating Humor)

A Touch of Humor

 

"The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off."

Abe Lemons (1922 - 2002) (Basketball Coach and Celebrated Sports Wit)

A Touch of Humor

 

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."

Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) (Author, Humorist, and Celebrated American Wit)