A Touch Of Humor

Operator! Give me the number for 911.

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's five o'clock in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time."

Robin Williams

A Touch Of Humor

In Indiana, a high school teacher was caught in her classroom snorting cocaine. People became suspicious when parent-teacher conferences lasted only 10 seconds.

Conan O'Brien

A Touch Of Humor

My wife’s from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like ‘Cripes’. ‘For Cripe’s sake.’ Who would that be — Jesus Cripe’s? The son of ‘Gosh’ of the church of ‘Holy Moly’? I’m not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in ‘Heck’?

Andy Rooney

A Touch Of Humor

Arby’s is currently testing a new sandwich called “The Arbynator” that features roast beef, curly fries, and both cheese and honey sauces. They named it after the Terminator because it’s the only sandwich that will make you want to go back in time and stop yourself from eating it.

Seth Meyers

A Touch Of Humor

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

Dave Barry

A Touch Of Humor

Jerry Springer says he won’t run for governor of Ohio next year. You know politics has gotten messy when Jerry Springer’s like, “I can’t be associated with this.”

Jimmy Fallon