A Touch Of Humor

Sleeping bags on the floor, a roaring fire. It'll be just like the time they kicked me out of the sporting goods store.

Homer Simpson

A Touch Of Humor

Let me tell you how bad my day was. My kids were so bad at Walmart today, I actually pulled a fly swatter off the shelf and I spanked them. And just as the fly swatter hit their little butts I thought - I don't have kids.

Karen Rontowski

A Touch Of Humor

"Catholics and other Christians are against abortions and they're against homosexuality. Well who has less abortions than homosexuals? Leave these f**king people alone for Christ's sake. Here is an entire class of people guaranteed never to have an abortion."  -- George Carlin

A Touch Of Humor

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

Rodney Dangerfield

A Touch Of Humor

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Steven Wright

A Touch Of Humor

The Lord gave us two ends - one to sit on and the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most.

Ann Landers

A Touch Of Humor

Donald Trump has come out in favor of shutting down Planned Parenthood. However, experts say, if he really wants Planned Parenthood to go under he should turn it into a Trump property.

Conan O'Brien