A Touch Of Humor

Hi, I’m Troy McClure. You might remember me from such self-help videos as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Confident, Stupid.”

 - Actor Troy McClure

A Touch Of Humor

New Rule: Someone must ask the kid whose science fair project was to smear lipstick on a cat’s butt to see how much of the surfaces in the house come in contact with the cat’s anus. What did you find out? And did you tell mom what you did with her lipstick before you put it back in her purse?

Bill Maher

A Touch of Humor

 One-liners about food

• A lot of people cry when they're cutting onions. The secret is not to form an emotional bond.
• I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
• Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
• A boiled egg is hard to beat.

A Touch of Humor

 One-liners about sports

• I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
• The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
• Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
• When I get a dog, I'm going to name him Five-Miles so I can say I walk five miles every day.

A Touch Of Humor

 One-liners about relationships

• My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
• I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
• My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
• Last night my girlfriend and I watched three movies back-to-back. Luckily, I was the one facing the TV.

A Touch Of Humor

Last night, the first US cruise ship in 15 months set ... sale. It is perfect for anyone who’s been stuck in their house for 15 months and thought, ‘This has been great! I just wish the room was much smaller and slowly rocking.’

 Stephen Colbert 

A Touch Of Humor

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they’ll donate me to Tupperware.

Joan Rivers